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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:34:00 GMT -5
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:37:05 GMT -5
Farmer and the Cow
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:40:39 GMT -5
Osama's Ride
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted up its tail and looked at the camel's butt. Just then a guy came over and said, "What are you doing?"
Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:46:15 GMT -5
Sons Devoted to Mom
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:48:30 GMT -5
Afghani Fowl
What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
DUCK!!!
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:50:52 GMT -5
Meals on Wheels
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:53:37 GMT -5
Pop a Cap in the Lion's Gluts
There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good. He felt so good he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral of the story is: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:55:59 GMT -5
Penguin & JFK, Jr.
What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They're both cute as and can't fly!
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 6:59:02 GMT -5
How To Clean A Cat
1. Throughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''powerwash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:01:15 GMT -5
Mad Cow!
There are two cows in a field. One says to the other, ''So what do you think of mad cow disease?'' The other replies, ''I dunno, I'm a chicken.''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:04:54 GMT -5
The Little Fire Engine
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, ''You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck.''
The boy nodded in agreement and said, ''But then there wouldn't be a siren.''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:08:48 GMT -5
Bigfoot and Blonde
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:13:11 GMT -5
Bear on a Rampage
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:16:54 GMT -5
One-Eyed Blonde
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!''
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:21:30 GMT -5
Parrot-Prostitutes
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:30:59 GMT -5
Walkin' in a Doggie Wonderland
(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)
Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, not white -- I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:33:31 GMT -5
Love Stinks
What happened to the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:39:10 GMT -5
Two Blondes and Two Mice
There were two blondes as roommates and they both bought mice. When they got home the first blonde said, "How are we going to tell them apart?"
The second blonde said, "Why don't we take one and chop off one of its legs?"
But during the night the mouse with four legs said to the mouse with three legs, ''That's not fair -- I want three legs too.'' So the mouse with three legs told him to eat one of his legs. And so he did.
The next morning the blondes were upset about this so they did the same thing as the day before. But again the mouse with three legs ate one of his legs. This went on until both mice had no tails and legs. Then one of the blondes shouted, ''All right, that's it! You take the black one and I'll take the white one!''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:44:58 GMT -5
Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.
"Yes?"
"You know."
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:49:06 GMT -5
Vampire Blood Bath
Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.
One night, one said to a another, “I'm so hungry. I'm going to go get something.”
“No don't! We have to wait for the others!”
“I don't care.” And off he went.
About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.
The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”
“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”
So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”
“Yes,” came the reply.
To that the first says, “Well, I didn't.”
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