|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 14:55:56 GMT -5
Who's That Dog?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 14:58:14 GMT -5
Dragging Their Feet
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 15:00:28 GMT -5
Barnyard Poem
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 15:06:57 GMT -5
Chores on the Farm
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"
"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"
"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.
Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."
Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 15:22:17 GMT -5
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 15:28:49 GMT -5
Teacher's Pet
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 15:36:03 GMT -5
Bull Grapevine
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: Boys, we all know I've been here five years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't giving' him any of mine.
Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here three years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him, run him off or kill him, but I'm KEEPING' ALL MY COWS.
Third Bull: I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.
Second Bull: I have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument.
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.
Third Bull: , he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull.
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 22:05:39 GMT -5
Men Strike Back !!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None! It should be opened when SHE brings it
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support YOU!
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “ A man once told me ….”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t, There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course !! He’ll shut up once you let him in.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They WANT TO !!
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are SEXY !!
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jun 3, 2006 0:26:44 GMT -5
You Might Be A Blonde... Thesaurus
You might be a blonde if you think a thesaurus is a dinosaur!
|
|
weeeg
Average Member
Posts: 286
|
Post by weeeg on Jun 6, 2006 10:28:36 GMT -5
LOL i like the first one
|
|
|
|
Post by peglegrc on Jul 6, 2006 11:31:45 GMT -5
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple''s house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I really recommend it."
The other man said, "What''s the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"No," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, yes that''s it," the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what''s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
.
|
|
