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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:52:07 GMT -5
Yo mama's So Hairy
Yo' mama so hairy, she was walking down the street and the dog pound picked her up!
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 7:55:37 GMT -5
You So Dumb
You so dumb, you go up to a cow and ask for 2%!
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:00:22 GMT -5
The Engineer and the Frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!"
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:06:47 GMT -5
Parrot Talk
One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.
He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, ''That parrot repeats everything he hears.''
''That's alright,'' the man replied.
So the man bought the parrot and left the store.
As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.
The cop hollered to his partner, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
Then the parrot said, ''Shoot him down, shoot him down!''
They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.
The man said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up!''
They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
The parrot said, ''Hit a big one, win a prize!''
Then they walked into a church and sat down.
The minister was in the middle of the sermon.
He said, ''The Lord is above us.''
The parrot said, ''Shoot him down,shoot him down!''
The minister said, ''The devil is below us.''
The parrot said, ''Pop it up, pop it up.''
Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.
The parrot said,'' Hit a big one, win a prize!''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:11:39 GMT -5
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar...
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:16:26 GMT -5
Blonde and Goldfish
A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, ''Now, what do I give them to drink?''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:23:47 GMT -5
Grasshopper Biology
A biology class student conducted an experiment on what would happen to a grasshopper if its legs were taken off.
He pulled off one of its legs and yelled 'hop!', and the grasshhoper hopped. Then he took another leg and yelled 'hop!' and the grasshopper hopped. Then he took all of its legs and yelled 'hop!' but the insect did not hop. He yelled again, but the insect did not hop.
So he came to the conclusion that when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it will become deaf.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:26:45 GMT -5
Bar... Grasshopper
A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:32:10 GMT -5
Blonde Bird Watcher
A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.''
And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:34:48 GMT -5
You Might Be A Redneck...Deer
You might be a redneck if you've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately!
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:38:44 GMT -5
Rednecks' Dogs
Q: Why do rednecks' dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars...
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:44:30 GMT -5
Elephants, Beavers and the Jungle
Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m?
Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m.
Why do beavers have flat tails?
Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:51:01 GMT -5
The Pig with the Wooden Leg
There was a tourist on a farm and he asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.
The farmer said, ''That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw.''
''So why does he have a wooden leg?'' the ourist asked.
''Well one night our house caught on fire. And he came into our house and he woke us all up.''
''So,'' the tourist asked again, ''why does that pig have a wooden leg?''
''Well, a pig that brave you can't eat all at once!''
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 8:55:08 GMT -5
Fast Food for Rednecks
You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 9:01:56 GMT -5
Your family is so poor...
Your family is so poor, when they went to the park the pigeons threw bread at them
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 9:08:24 GMT -5
Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' 
Thats all folk's......................... "RC"
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Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 14:36:57 GMT -5
Teacher Arrested
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
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Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 14:46:38 GMT -5
Fish Market
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
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Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 14:50:02 GMT -5
Man and Pig?
Q: What's the difference between a man and a pig?
A: You mean there IS a difference?
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Post by peglegrc on Jun 2, 2006 14:51:56 GMT -5
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.
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