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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 3:02:33 GMT -5
A man & his wife are driving down the road and there's a sheriff's car coming to wards them... The Guy says to his wife Darn..I don't have my seat belt on!..I hope this Sheriff don't see that I don't and pull us over!... As soon as the Sheriff's car passed them, the Sheriff's car came to a stop and turned around coming up behind the guy and his wife.. The red lights came on and as the Guy is slowly pulling off the road and coming to a stop he's hooking up his seat belt.....
The Deputy walks up and asked the guy for his drivers license and insurance card and registration papers... The Guy as he's getting all the paperwork, starts yelling: Why are you pulling me over?! I wasn't speeding, why arnt you out catching bad guy's instead of harassing me?!!...What did I do wrong?! you should be catching bad guys, not chasing me!!.....The Deputy Sheriff said in a calm voice: Sir, I pulled you over because you were not wearing your seat belt and thats agents the law.....The guy Yells back: What? Can't you see Ive got my seat belt on!! Are you blind too?!....The Deputy Sheriff says calmly to the wife: Ma'am, I don't want to be arguing with your husband ..Please tell me was he or was he not wearing his seat belt?......The Wife says in a timid voice: Sir, Ive been married to Frank for 25 years and the one thing I've learned is to never argue with him when his been drinking!!......  
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 3:19:07 GMT -5
A dog runs into a butcher shop and grabs a roast off the counter....Fortunately, the butcher recognizes the dog as belonging to a neighbor, who happens to be a lawyer...
Incensed at the theft, the butcher calls up the lawyer and says, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop,would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
"Of course, how much was the roast?" Replies the lawyer...
"$7.98," says the butcher.. A few days later the butcher receives a check in the mail for $7.98.... Attached to it is an invoice that reads: Legal Consultation Service - $150.00.... 
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 3:22:21 GMT -5
A neighbor lady knocks on the next door neighbors door..A pretty little Blondie answers the door.. "Yes what can I do for you? she says..The lady asks: "Can I barrow some pepper from you!" The pretty little Blondie answers: "I don't have any ground pepper, Will pepper spray do?"..... .
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 3:33:16 GMT -5
"Remember, medical Insurance is like a hospital gown - you're never covered as much as you think you are."
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 3:40:17 GMT -5
The baby Bear is standing next to a broken lamp in the living room..The Poppa bear and Momma bear are standing over him looking up set!..The momma bears says:"And I suppose 'Goldilocks' broke the lamp too."....... 
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 3:42:35 GMT -5
Not Going To Try This Again
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 3:59:06 GMT -5
"Space shuttle Red Neck"
How'd the Redneck git lost in space?'''
He rolled down the window to spit out his chaw..
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:01:43 GMT -5
Who Let The Blondes Out?
How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:03:55 GMT -5
Antique shop
Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's new?"
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:09:07 GMT -5
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, . It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:13:23 GMT -5
Redneck Baby
You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:15:39 GMT -5
Yo Mama's So Fat... Driver's License
Yo mama is so fat that her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." .
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:24:42 GMT -5
Ducks and Elephants
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:28:30 GMT -5
Barbie and Britney
Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:32:26 GMT -5
Country Music Backwards
What do you get when you play country music backwards?
You get back your wife, your dog, your truck...
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:36:42 GMT -5
On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?”
-- Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star
On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross.”
-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces
On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.”
-- Donna Summer, disco singer
On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.”
-- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest
On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.”
-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage
On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Interesting Insights On: “In an action film you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama.”-- Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous”
On Segues, Unfortunate: “Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college.”
-- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig
On Book Reviews, Cogent: “It's a very good historical book about history.” -- former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson's Modern Times
On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: “There are lots more people in the House. I don't know how many exactly-I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference between the House and the Senate
On Earth, Where Found:“ [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
-- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:45:50 GMT -5
Get Away From my Deer!
It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.
But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:51:50 GMT -5
Penguin Delivery Service
One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As he's driving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins to the zoo for me!"
"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies!"
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 4:54:32 GMT -5
Who is Marylou?!?
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."
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Post by peglegrc on May 31, 2006 5:13:00 GMT -5
Blonde Counting Sheep
Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says "If you can count all my sheep I'll let you have any one you want." The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, "You have 356 sheep." The farmer exclaims, "Wow -- you're exactly right. I guess blondes really aren't dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep."
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. "Oh no," he says, "you can't have that one." "Why not?" asks the blonde, "you said I could have any sheep I wanted." And the farmer says, "Ma'am, that's my dog."
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